I may need to brush up on all of the stages of grief, but I feel like I’m going through all of them, all the time. Monday was just a shitty day all around. Tuesday we came home, and although we kept ourselves busy, there was still plenty of crying.
But yesterday…I didn’t cry until the very end of the day when I was talking with Sarah. I woke up feeling sad – but no tears. Then, throughout the day, I still thought about what had happened, thought about Micah and Judah, but didn’t cry. And that made me feel really bad.
Does that mean I’m over them? Certainly not – but why no crying then? Didn’t I love them enough to still be crying? Many ridiculous questions in my mind, many that I know the answers to already, but they are there nonetheless.
I can only imagine what the next few days, weeks and months will be like. There are so many questions I have. So many emotions. So many four letter words I have to yell at God, reminiscent of the prayer scene from Saved! when Mary has a few choice words for God.
I don’t know how much of this I’m going to want to process here online on this blog, and how much will just need to be personal and between me and Sarah. But I’m hoping that by getting the chance to write out some of this, and share some of our story with whoever is out there reading this, that it might help contribute to whatever healing is out there waiting for us.
I think that what you are experiencing is COMPLETELY normal for a person who is grieving. I think of grief as ocean waves that come and go with a variety of sizes/intensity of waves. It is definitely not linear.
There are several definitions of stages of grief and I’ve recently come across John Bowlby’s definitions – here’s a link that has a synopsis of them: http://www.asbestos.com/support/grief-process.php. These resonate much more strongly with me than Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ theories. I believe that Kubler-Ross’ stages are more applicable to the dying rather than to the mourner.
Just as a point of reference – nearly 2 years after Brian’s death, I find that I remember very, very little of the first 2 months following his death. Shock has a way of doing that!
Prayers for patience with yourselves….this is going to take time. Be gentle with yourselves.
Blessings to you and Sarah.
I am so sorry for the loss of your sons. My granddaughter Lily Rene was stillborn at 6 mos 4/29/10. She was my daughter Kristina and her husband Ted’s first child and my first grandchild. Kristina has written about her experience on her blog http://martinsindallas.blogspot.com/2010/08/loss-of-our-sweet-baby-lily.html if you are interested. Our experience of the grieving process is that of a roller coaster – but I can say that it is slowly getting better.
Please know that you and Sarah will continue to be in my prayers.
Micah & Judah, children of God, let light perpetual shine upon them.
May God be with you in your grief,
we’ve never met, but i’ve tracked with your blog from a distance for a while and just wanted to say I’m sorry for your loss and pray for God’s presence as you grieve…
Just FYI – and others have probably said this: there is no progression to grief, there are different ways to be grieving. And at various times, in various ways, you will continue to grieve Micah and Judah until you see them again, in heaven.
I had identical twin girls 14 years ago. One lived, one didn’t. The one who lived has a host of major disabilities and we love her dearly. I just wanted to comment that my husband and I both grieved enormously, and it was a horrible time for us. But my husband moved past his grief first, and this pained me. I wanted him to hurt the same way that I did for as long as I did. I know this wasn’t reasonable (well, I know that now, I didn’t know that then). Just keep in mind that at some point your stages of grief will be different, and try not to be angered with one or the other for where each of you is in the process. Peace be with you.