I may need to brush up on all of the stages of grief, but I feel like I’m going through all of them, all the time. Monday was just a shitty day all around. Tuesday we came home, and although we kept ourselves busy, there was still plenty of crying.
But yesterday…I didn’t cry until the very end of the day when I was talking with Sarah. I woke up feeling sad – but no tears. Then, throughout the day, I still thought about what had happened, thought about Micah and Judah, but didn’t cry. And that made me feel really bad.
Does that mean I’m over them? Certainly not – but why no crying then? Didn’t I love them enough to still be crying? Many ridiculous questions in my mind, many that I know the answers to already, but they are there nonetheless.
I can only imagine what the next few days, weeks and months will be like. There are so many questions I have. So many emotions. So many four letter words I have to yell at God, reminiscent of the prayer scene from Saved! when Mary has a few choice words for God.
I don’t know how much of this I’m going to want to process here online on this blog, and how much will just need to be personal and between me and Sarah. But I’m hoping that by getting the chance to write out some of this, and share some of our story with whoever is out there reading this, that it might help contribute to whatever healing is out there waiting for us.