I’m at a retreat for pastors this week, and as we all gathered together, we were supposed to answer the question of how we got to be attending this specific retreat for Presbyterian ministers in Oregon. Basically, we were to tell our call stories and share about our lives. I was the second one to go, and the person who went first didn’t do on for all that long, so I kept mine relatively short.
Well, as the night went on, people started sharing more and more details, sharing about tragedies and losses in their lives that had impacted them…and then it dawned on me: I hadn’t mentioned Micah and Judah.
Now, I don’t think that it’s something I need to share with every single group of people I meet, and like I said, it wasn’t really clear to me when I started sharing just how much we were supposed to be sharing, but I went to bed last night feeling guilty that I had “forgotten” the boys. I had forgotten Micah and Judah. When asked to share about my life and my call…I had left out the impact that my first two sons had on me and my life.
Perhaps I’m being too rough on myself – it’s not like I’ve actually forgotten about them, but…it still felt kind of crappy.
October 25, 2012 will mark two years since we lost the boys. Last year, on the one year anniversary, Sarah and I spent some time that night going through our memory box that we have for the boys. This year, she’ll be flying east with Caleb to be with her family for a week…and we’ll have to find another way or another time to remember them, because I do think it’s important to set aside a specific time to remember the boys, to remember those moments of loss, to keep their memories with us, and eventually with Caleb as well.
I felt like I needed a space to almost…I don’t know, confess, that I had left them out of my story last night. I felt like I owed it to them to tell someone…and that is what this space is here, I guess.