As many of you know, last weekend we were at birthing classes all weekend at the hospital where we will be having Caleb sometime in the next four weeks(!). They were helpful, we saw a lot of videos of births and learned about some possible situations that folks might not be expecting (e.g. emergency c-section). But, for anyone who has experienced a miscarriage, infant loss or stillbirth, there’s an obvious elephant in the room: your baby could die.
I apologize for the Debbie Downer vibe of this post, but that’s the reality that we don’t talk about. Life is incredibly fragile, precious and should never be taken for granted. And I suppose it’s primarily those who have gone through infant loss for whom this reality is all the more potent.
Everything has gone really, really well for us this pregnancy. Our doctor doesn’t have any particular concerns. Things should go ahead as planned. But, now that we know so many people who have lost babies, that’s still in the back of our minds. It has to be. I don’t know how you get that out of your head. We met people at our grief support group whose babies were stillborn. Everything perfect for 40 weeks, and then…something just happened that wasn’t supposed to happen.
Miscarriages, stillbirths and other forms of infant loss are incredibly common today (just browse through some of the stories on the Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope website)…and yet it’s still something we’re uncomfortable talking about.
We didn’t get into any in depth conversations with the others who were at the classes, but looking around, I just knew I didn’t want people to go through what we went through, and what so many others have gone through before. I wanted them to at least be prepared for the possibility that something could go wrong…very wrong.
But that’s not what we want to talk about.
I don’t know, what do you all think? Is it appropriate to broach such topics at birthing classes so people will be prepared? Or is that the job of the OB/GYN toward the beginning fo the pregnancy, to set realistic expectations? Getting pregnant, in most cases, is such a joyous occasion, and I understand why people don’t want to talk about it. But I don’t think that helps us for when tragedy strikes and there is such a general unease about the topic in general. Thoughts?
That is a difficult question. In general, I think we need to be more open with each other (as a society) before we even get to the point of BEING pregnant. I am the administrator for a Christian organization that reaches out to Christian couples who use fertility awareness methods to either avoid pregnancy or achieve pregnancy. Over the last five years, I’ve noticed some trends:
1) Women are almost always VERY excited about getting pregnant, and they hardly ever expect to be one of the 7-11% of women who deal with infertility (http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/fertile.htm)
2) When they don’t get pregnant right away, they can get pretty disappointed, frustrated, angry, upset, or confused, even though they KNOW the statistics (been there, done that myself)
3) Even if they don’t have any reason to suspect problems or possible miscarriage, women can sometimes be anxious about getting pregnant anyway, or about miscarriage.
4) Once they’ve had a miscarriage, subsequent pregnancies are more difficult due to potential bonding issues, worry about miscarriage, anxiety, etc.
The latest loss (across maybe 100 pregnancies) my organization has experienced was about 13-14 weeks, I think. We’ve had a few in the 10 week range, and a greater number in the 6-9 week range. So, I don’t know how my perspective would change once we HAVE experienced a stillbirth with one of our members, but for now, I think the women I come into contact with through my organization are aware of the risks and the potential for miscarriage, even if they do shove it to the back of their mind most of the time.
That being said… I was born with hydrocephalus back in 1985, in Nepal! So, I do think that education about birth defects & the other things that could go “wrong” is necessary, but it needs to be kept in the context of statistics. Like… saying that “there’s a possibility your baby might die if you do x, y, or z” probably wouldn’t go over as well as saying “You know, 1 in babies are born with X issue. Do you have any questions about what would happen in this scenario?”
I think education can either cause greater concern and anxiety, or it can help to soothe and calm fears. I think the most important thing is to figure out how to keep fears to a minimum while dealing with the reality of what could actually happen.
Adam, you and Sara experienced such a terrible tragedy. And although you have been part of the community of loss, as well you should be, those tragedies are a very small percentage of birth. When it happens, it all becomes very real and terrible. But, in my experience, it doesn’t help to go into detail before a delivery because nobody believes it will happen to them. When I meet with my doula clients, we discuss very briefly what kind of support they would like in the unlikely event of a stillbirth or tragedy. It’s never a fun conversation, but it is important we talk about things like, will you want to see or hold your baby. Do you want me to take pictures of your baby, etc. I do think it’s important to know these things ahead of time. In the moment it’s hard to know what to really do. However, I have found that conversation to be more helpful and appropriate one on one.
I hope you and Sarah enjoy the upcoming birth of your son, Caleb. I will be thinking of your family and sending you Prayers of love, healing and joy!!!
I personally feel this topic should be discussed early in pregnancy. So many times we hear “there are no guarantees in life except taxes, death, and change.” It only makes sense to address “no guarantees” while going through pregnancy. Of course, this is not to say one should dwell on the topic, however, since it is a possibility it should not be ignored. I’m not sure anyone is ever prepared for experiencing the loss of someone, let alone an unborn child. Reality is just as important as reassurance is from a doctor. I don’t think you are a Debbie Downer for asking this question … I appreciate that you are opening it up for discussion.
I think they should broach it in a soft way. Such as, “should you need the assistance of a chaplain to process anything while you are in our care, we have a chaplain available at all times.
This doesn’t answer your question, but your post reminded me of how I felt the first Christmas after our son was born. Born at 1 lb. 6 oz. at 24 weeks you realize how fragile and precious life is. The miracle of the birth in a stable that we celebrate soon becomes all the more real when you have suffered loss & trauma during the birth process. Blessings for you all in as you anticipate the next four weeks!
Like others have said, I don’t know if it is appropriate conversation to have in a birthing class. It is however important to have with your care giver in the event of it happening.
I know in both of our pregnancies Heidi and I have declined genetic testing because they only give you percentages not definitives. That being said the added stress of “knowing” you are at a higher percentage for various complications (ie downs, miscarriage, etc) doesn’t really help as far as stress level.
To this day with two healthy children, if I wake up and don’t hear our oldest talking in her room or screaming for me to come get her, I get nervous, real nervous.
I’m not sure there is anyway to “prepare” for the grief and loss of a stillbirth or a child born with a major birth defect. I do know that is is important for me to know that I have a support system to be with me in the event something happens.
We did a months-long Bradley course for my wife’s first pregnancy. Our two secrets during every one of those meetings were:
a.) my wife is an L&D nurse at a high-risk maternity center,
and b.) the twin pregnancy we were experiencing was very threatened, and our son had a severe heart anomoly, and we stood a very good chance of losing both children.
So we were very aware of the ‘elephant in the room’ that you write so eloquently about, and struggled about whether we should name that fear/reality. Yet in the end, it seemed unkind to do so. Because *everyone* there is worried about their unborn child, and trying not to think about the possibility that the child(ren) might die. It seemed to us that the social contract in place included not talking about these very legitimate fears.
I think everyone thinks about the elephant in the room but is afraid that naming it will jinx it. When I went into labor with my first at 40 weeks, the woman down the hall who had been in my childbirth education class was giving birth to a baby who had stopped moving for no apparent reason. After labor and delivery, while her baby was hanging on in the NICU, we invited her and her husband to hold our baby and to talk about their feelings even as we grieved with them. When I went to give birth to my 2nd, my pastor’s wife was also pregnant . . . with twins. When he came to visit when I went into labor, it was obvious something was wrong. He didn’t want to talk about it until he came back and held my little one. Then he told me that they had lost one of the twins the same day. Life and death are constantly lived side by side. While we may not be open to talking about it before death happens, there are openings to be had if we will look and open ourselves up. I’ve found the best place has been the internet — pregnancy bulletin boards are often places where people share their fears and hopes side by side. Real community emerges.
Just found your blog and I want to give you and your wife a hug. About this topic I don’t know. My pregnancy went fairly smooth until the end @ 39 weeks and 4 days and though I was high risk complications were never discussed in classes or in the doctor’s office. I know now that pregnancy doesn’t always have a good ending. I have had miscarriages in the first trimester before but nothing to this extent. It didn’t even cross my mind that I could lose him and I feel it’s something that more people should be aware of. Most doctors don’t go into detail about it or even bring it up and then you’re unprepared for all the things that come with it. There are so many things I would have done differently had I known that it was a possibilty and had a chance to research what other families did in this situation. Also, some hospital staff seem unprepared for it even though they go through the training and know that it could happen. I understand it’s supposed to be a joyous time but it’s no fair that we can’t go through this experience with the innocence and naivety before our loss. I’m not sure how I will react. I’m a changed person. At times very cynical. Right now I’m not ready to spare my feelings because a lot of people don’t think before they give me some half-assed response or attempt at trying to console me after finding out I lost my son. I know the situation is hard but they want to apologize or avoid me afterwards. I don’t like the people that run around insensitive to what others have gone through either. How about I punch these people in the face when they say something stupid or try to get me to buy another stroller when I’m returning the unused stroller after my baby’s death and tell them oh I din’t know it would hurt. I think I have went on a tangent here but I think they should know. You can’t go through life with rose colored glasses on. Sorry I was all over the place but my grief is fairly new. His due date was 12/25/11 and I was induced on 12/22/11 after not feeling him move. Appointment the day before for severe swelling and I was sent home. Waited two hours for a 10 minute appointment and my baby died overnight. In my experience the doctor’s don’t educate you is all I am saying especially if the pregnancy is going good with little to no complications.