As I’ve mentioned on this blog before, my desire to write about grief and my own personal journey was really a selfish desire. I didn’t start writing thinking that my story, my experiences or my anger would be helpful to anyone else – it was simply something I needed to do.
However, my writings on grief here at Dazed Dad have in fact turned out to be helpful for people other than myself. People at my church have come up and talked with me about certain posts. I’ve had friends who have given their friends this blog address, and I continue to get emails from complete strangers who have recently lost their own babies, some through situations very similar to ours. I now have an “Infant Loss” folder in my email, where I keep emails from these strangers who I feel so close to now.
I find myself being both overwhelmed by their grief and yet, finding it an honor that they chose to share that with me and find myself becoming a part of their journey, in some small way. Someone was looking for quotes to Jerry Sittser’s book, “A Grace Disguised,” someone else was searching for Linkin Park lyrics.
Often I receive emails from fathers who are grieving and they consistently point out the lack of resources available online or otherwise for father’s dealing with grief. Many feel the desire to care for their wives, to “stay strong” for their families, but many point out how hard that can be when they aren’t able to cry or weep or allow themselves to experience and process through their profound loss.
Part of me wishes I had studied more about grief and loss during seminary so that I could provide more knowledge on the subject here. But then I realize that’s not what people want when they are dealing with grief. That’s not what I was searching for online after we lost Micah and Judah. No, I was looking for people. I was looking for stories. I wanted to hear from other people who had gone through similar things – I wanted to know how they made it through their grief, what that looked like, how they could move forward…
I had no choice in whether or not I joined this club; this club of fathers and mothers who have lost their infant children, their babies. I had no choice. And I would give anything for the chance to get out of this club, to be holding my newborn babies right now. But I am glad that these writings here, these stories that I am sharing, are able to be shared with those who are also now part of this club. And hopefully, through our sharing, through our stories, we might find the healing we’re seeking.