The past month has been an interesting time for us. As many of you probably know, our official singleton due date was March 20, but we never really felt like that was our real due date. We never really knew when Micah and Judah would be born, but we were told to be ready by the end of February to be having our twins. We had a friend who was pregnant with twins and basically on the exact same timetable we were on, and one Sarah’s best friends was also due around mid-March – so there was going to be a lot of excitement in our lives, and the lives of friends, right around now.
Those friends have had their babies now – and I have so much joy and happiness for them. I love seeing their photos, their joy, their beautiful babies and genuinely am happy for them and these new additions to their lives.
So it’s a weird thing to hold that joy, to experience those feelings of happiness for others, while there still exists feelings of grief and feelings of “what could have been” for us. Micah and Judah would have been born by now. We would be experiencing sleepless nights, our house would be a complete mess, I wouldn’t have an office or a desk anymore, we would probably be going crazy and yelling at each other…and it would have been amazing.
This has been hard – but something we knew would happen and were prepared for. I think not having an exact due date that we could look forward to has helped some with this transition into the period of “what could have been.” Knowing the exact day that we would have given birth to the boys would be harder I think.
And so life goes on. Other people will get pregnant and share their exciting news with us. Friends will have beautiful babies and post photos on Facebook, and we will see them. And we will remember Micah and Judah, and the short time that they were with us. It’s still hard to believe what happened on October 25, 2010 – a day that we’ll never forget.
It’s an odd thing – this joy in the sadness. When one has experienced profound grief, it seems as though everything else in the world should stand still. Everyone else in the world should be sad and angry. But that’s not how life works. Because life isn’t all sad. Good things happen. Good things have happened to us since we lost the boys. And so that will be the story of our lives…joy amidst the sadness, happiness amidst the grief. The grief isn’t going to go away. Those memories questions and longings won’t go away. But good things will happen. In our lives and in the lives of those we love. And so we must learn to hold these two things, joy and sadness, together.