I had to do a Google search to find a photo of a positive pregnancy test because I didn’t take a photo of ours. And that bothers me. But I’ll get to that in a bit.
Sarah and I vacationed in Hawaii this past July. Like, a real vacation. Not an “okay – which set of parents are we going to visit this time” kind of vacation (we love our parents, but those aren’t real vacations). No, this was a real “Hey – let’s go to Hawaii and eat, drink, read books and lay out on the beach by ourselves” kind of vacation. It was the first time for both of us, we rented a little house close to the beach and flew over for a week in paradise.
We had a good time, except for getting one of the worst sunburns on my back I’ve ever had in my life. But then Sarah started to wonder about something…she was more than a few days late…and then she said, “I think we need to go to the grocery store and find a pregnancy test.”
I couldn’t believe she was really saying this. Not like I don’t understand how these things work. We had decided a few months earlier that it was time to start trying for kids, so I obviously knew that this was going to be a possible natural outcome based on our decision. But I just hadn’t imagined that it would happen so fast.
So we drove from our house in Poipu up to Big Save in Koloa. We grabbed a couple pregnancy tests, some Aloe Vera for me and a couple other random things and got in line. Behind us came a few college kids who saw what we had put on the conveyer belt. We laughed later about what must have been going through their minds: “Wow dude…that’s got to suck – way to ruin a vacation in Hawaii….”
We got home – Sarah did what women do with these things (I think it’s okay for me to be ignorant about such things) – and then she said, “Okay – go over and look at it.” I walked over and saw a little blue plus sign. As I was walking over, I had asked, “So what should I be looking for?” Sarah replied, “A little blue plus sign – that means we’re pregnant.” So, like I said, I walked over and saw a little blue plus sign. Sarah asked, “So? What is it?” My response was a bit apprehensive and our conversation went something like this:
Adam: “Well – I see something – but I’m confused. It’s a little blue plus sign.”
Sarah: “What are you confused about?”
Adam: “Well, I don’t quite get how it could be positive.”
Sarah: “Really? You want me to go into that?”
Adam: “I’m confused. How could that happen? How could that happen so quick?”
And I didn’t take a photo of it. I feel like if I were to see that sign right now, I’d be jumping for joy, taking photos of it to memorialize the happy occasion and wanting to have a copy of that moment in history when our lives changed. But there…on vacation in Poipu…I just sat down on the bed. Confused.
I think I liked the idea – hypothetically, of course – of having kids. It made sense to me. We’d been married for just over 4 years – that seemed to be an appropriate time to start moving into the “parenting” phase of our marriage. And it wasn’t like this was something Sarah sprung on me as a surprise – I knew what I was getting into. We were trying to have kids. And yet – at that moment…I don’t know…I just didn’t know what to think about that little blue plus sign.
Four and a half months later, I know exactly what I think about that little blue plus sign. I want it back. I want to do that day over again and be more excited than anything for these future little babies (of course I wouldn’t have known about the twins then) that we would get to raise and parent…well, if everything went like it’s supposed to. But it doesn’t always go like it’s supposed to.
Adam — You and Sarah continue to amaze me with your strength throughout this situation. I know the overwhelming support has gone away and now you guys are left to figure this out, seemingly alone, but our prayers are still going out to you and we are still willing God to wrap his everlasting arms around you in comfort and support. God Speed as you continue this journey!
So this one makes me cry. Beautiful. Thanks for sharing. (Oh, and, just so you know, it only takes once ((as my sister will validate)) ).
I started following you on the saddest day of your life. I read your post and I am, well i don’t know the exact word on how to say it, something like you have captured me. I don’t want to sound innapropriate or anything like that. I know what it is like to want something so bad and not have it. The other thing that has captured me is that you are a pastor. And to see you go through your stuggles with god, to a point, is helping me out. I know that you and your wife will make it through this, you are a very strong person, and I believe that your wife is as well. I know that you hear the supportive stuff all the time, so I really don’t want to say to much of that. Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us.
DC Urban Dad says
Adam, I just read about your loss and I gotta say I am at a loss for words. You and Sarah will be in my family’s prayers.
Thanks man….yah….pretty intensely shitty. I had just started writing for ManoftheHouse.com, feeling like I was starting to get connected into the #DadsTalking community and then…we get hit with this blow. Definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through in my life (times 2 with the twins!)…and now I’m entering into a different community, a different club. A club that no one ever wants to join – but so many do through miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss.
There aren’t many resources out there for fathers dealing with this type of loss…
Your transparency in grief is powerful. Sometimes you hear of something tragic happening to someone, you take pause, say a prayer and move forward, as you have mentioned in your posts. I just wanted to let you know I haven’t stopped praying for you and Sarah. Everyday as I reflect on those who I want to lift up before God your names come into my prayer.