The time that we spent in the hospital 3 weeks ago seems like a blur. After we had received the news from the doctor that the pregnancy had to be ended, they started Sarah on the drugs that would induce labor. They also gave her something to help her sleep. We were in Walnut Creek, about 30-40 minutes from Livermore, and there were some things that we needed from home. And I had to move the car, so I decided to drive home to pick some stuff up. I was gone for probably just over an hour and a half.
I don’t remember much about that trip home. I have no idea what I was thinking or feeling as I made that drive home. I remember thinking that I should probably put the car on cruise control or I would probably get pulled over for speeding. So I jumped on 680 going south and plugged in my iPhone. I needed music, anything, to keep my mind off of what was about to happen. Just a few weeks earlier, I’d picked up Linkin Park’s new album, “A Thousand Suns.” I was strangely drawn to the music, and had listened to the album through a couple of times. I remembered the song “Iridescent” and selected it and set it to repeat that song. And so I listened to that song over and over on my way home and back to the hospital (the lyrics and audio can be found below).
While I had no words for what was happening, or what I was thinking…and certainly couldn’t think of how to pray, Linkin Park did it for me that night. They gave me the words, the prayer, the utterances of the Spirit that I needed that night. Those words and that tune will forever be etched into my mind, connected to a time of deep despair and loss.
I don’t know that I’ve been able to “let it go” yet. I don’t know what “letting it go” looks like, when I’m still frustrated with and mad at God. And why would I want to trust a God who would put us in this situation in the first place? Why would I want to place my fears and frustrations before one who had the power to stop our loss, our life-changing trauma…but didn’t.
I don’t know the answers to those questions, but I’m thankful that I had these words that night. They still speak to me, and help me put words to the emotions that come upon me like unseen waves.
Iridescent • Linkin Park, “A Thousand Suns”
When you were standing in the wake of devastation
When you were waiting on the edge of the unknown
And with the cataclysm raining down
Your insides crying, “Save me now”
You were there, impossibly alone.Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failures all you’ve known.
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go…let it go.And in a burst of light that blinded every angel
As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars
You felt the gravity of tempered grace
Falling into empty space
With no one there to catch you in their arms.Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failures all you’ve known.
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go, let it go.
Amazing song.
Letting go: acknowledge the events of the day, let yourself feel the emotions that come about, then disconnect the two so that you’re not putting yourself into a shell-shocked mode by repeatedly beating yourself up with the emotions. It happened. It sucked big time. I hurt. Today is a new day, do I let yesterday’s pain affect today? If so, how about tomorrow? So give yourself a gift of a designated grieving period, then cut the emotions loose from the event.
May God continue to surround you two with love and support,
Sharmyn
This gave me goosebumps. You’re a gifted writer. I’m learning so much by reading your entries…I hope you’re aware of the ripple effect you’re having by being so open. It’s truly courageous and honorable of you to share, and will help more people than you probably realize.
Echoing Amy, your openness, and your willingness to share your grief and anguish creates a little space where we can tap in to the spiritual strength of being vulnerable. And, isn’t it amazing the way music becomes like a lifejacket?
I found my way here searching for the name of the song I had just heard as the lyrics had identified with a place inside me and have been echoing around it for a while.
What I ended up finding were words more open, meaningful, and powerful than any song lyrics I could have heard. It is rare to find someone who can, with such graceful eloquence, share with others during such a powerfully emotional time. Your few paragraphs have found a place within me that one millions songs could never reach.
We have not met, we most likely never shall, but yet you are in my thoughts now and, perhaps, for the rest of my life. I hope you find the answers you are searching for, not matter how long they take.
It’s funny that you post a Lincoln Park song…when my husband and I lost our Monkey at 6 weeks, I was driving to get something and a Lincoln Park song came on. Normally I’m not a huge fan of them, but for some reason it spoke to me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BPO3SaXHHBA
It perfectly expresses how I felt that day when I learned that we lost our baby, and I still feel that way. “Try to hold on to what I havent’ got”… I haven’t got my baby anymore, I’ll never get to hold him, or kiss him, or listen to him laugh or watch him take his first steps or talk for the first time. I feel empty and angry, and all of these crazy mix of emotions.
Twice today I was asked how the baby was doing by two different people…and I had to tell them that I had been pregnant…but not anymore. And then it feels akward and then I get the looks of pity. I wish I could be thinking about Monkey’s first Christmas next year…but I can’t.
The upside is that my husband and I have decided to donate a toy every year to Toys For Tots. We would’ve been buying a present anyways for our little guy (or girl). I suppose that some child will benefit from our loss and that starts to make things better.
I pray that you will listen to the song, grieve and then be inspired to try to put the pieces together. I wish only the best for you and your Sarah this Christmas season. I know it’s going to be difficult, but you have so many people that support you. Just look at all of your comments!