Nicholas Wolterstorff writes in his book “Lament for a Son” that “it’s the neverness that is so painful…all the rest of our lives we must live without him.”
Tomorrow will mark the two week mark since we went to the hospital for the day that our lives were changed forever. I don’t remember much from that first week. Nothing really. And then Sarah’s parents were here this past week, which was really helpful. However, I think the reality of what happened to us sunk in again after they left yesterday. Part of me still can’t really believe that it’s all real. But I know it is. I have photos of Micah and Judah and of Sarah and I holding them, and so I know that we lost our two boys almost two weeks ago.
The quote from Wolterstorff is what I was thinking about yesterday. All I wanted yesterday was to be able to hold my sons again, to be able to cradle them both in my arms. But that’s not going to happen. That opportunity was taken away from me by…by God? By a fluke? By just some really, really bad shitty luck? I don’t know. But it sucks. And I’m not going to be able to hold Micah and Judah again. That’s part of the neverness. I’m never going to be able to hold them again.
I’m never going to be able to play with them. I’m never going to be able to teach them to ride their bikes. I’m never going to be able to give them advice about girls. I’m never going to be able to watch them grow up, and mature, and make mistakes, and grow into young men. I’m never going to be able to see them find partners and be married and have kids of their own.
Of course we hope to eventually have kids and I will hopefully have those opportunities. But not with Micah and Judah. Never with Micah and Judah. And that’s something that won’t change. And that’s hard…
Existential Punk says
It does suck, Adam. For that i am really sorry. Pax!
Stevo says
Bro I was thinking about that alot in the days after it happened. I know it’s hard but one of the things I have prayed most for you two is that God would allow you to not need to “make sense of it”. I know that’s something I kept wanting to do and I think is a pretty normal reaction. But anytime I have done that after some sort of loss, I feel like that search for meaning in it leaves me uneasy if I come up with an answer. Whatever the case I pray blessings and miracles of the comfort of the Spirit and for hope to be restored. We love you bro.
Dazed Dad says
Thanks dude…I appreciate the prayer. And really, I don’t think that we ever really will “make sense out of it.” I don’t think there is any way…and so we can just ask for peace, for God’s presence to be real to us, and for the strength and courage to integrate this loss into our lives and move forward….
Not move “on” or move “beyond” it — but to simply walk forward with it, as the lives of Micah and Judah are forever intertwined with our lives now.
Bryan says
Our hearts have been heavy for you guys these last two weeks and there have been several friends and family join with us in prayer for you guys. It will never make sense, and to be honest, maybe it shouldn’t. There are always those ‘what if’ hopes (“maybe there was an unforeseen illness that they didn’t have to endure” or “maybe there would have been this/that/…”). But in the end, it still doesn’t add up. There is simply the trust that God is and that God isn’t blind to you and Sarah. It doesn’t provide any answers, but it does provide peace. Eventually. Praying for you both, Adam. Grace and blessing and hope.