Nicholas Wolterstorff writes in his book “Lament for a Son” that “it’s the neverness that is so painful…all the rest of our lives we must live without him.”
Tomorrow will mark the two week mark since we went to the hospital for the day that our lives were changed forever. I don’t remember much from that first week. Nothing really. And then Sarah’s parents were here this past week, which was really helpful. However, I think the reality of what happened to us sunk in again after they left yesterday. Part of me still can’t really believe that it’s all real. But I know it is. I have photos of Micah and Judah and of Sarah and I holding them, and so I know that we lost our two boys almost two weeks ago.
The quote from Wolterstorff is what I was thinking about yesterday. All I wanted yesterday was to be able to hold my sons again, to be able to cradle them both in my arms. But that’s not going to happen. That opportunity was taken away from me by…by God? By a fluke? By just some really, really bad shitty luck? I don’t know. But it sucks. And I’m not going to be able to hold Micah and Judah again. That’s part of the neverness. I’m never going to be able to hold them again.
I’m never going to be able to play with them. I’m never going to be able to teach them to ride their bikes. I’m never going to be able to give them advice about girls. I’m never going to be able to watch them grow up, and mature, and make mistakes, and grow into young men. I’m never going to be able to see them find partners and be married and have kids of their own.
Of course we hope to eventually have kids and I will hopefully have those opportunities. But not with Micah and Judah. Never with Micah and Judah. And that’s something that won’t change. And that’s hard…