Yesterday I took a ride on my scooter out to Morgan Territory – an area that has a lot of hikes just outside of Livermore. It was a beautiful day out and I thought that while Sarah got a massage, I would take a ride. As I got out into the country, I found myself praying to God in my head and letting God know about my frustrations with what has happened in the past few days. However, as I got further out of town, I found myself beginning to audibly start talking to God and eventually found myself yelling at God.
I don’t feel the need to write out everything I said – primarily because I know some of the people who read this blog would not want to see those words. But they were things that I needed to say out loud. Certainly nothing God didn’t already know, but it was important for me to yell these things at God. Essentially – this was my “giving God the middle finger moment.”
A younger version of me would have been pretty scared to hear the things I was saying to God…but I’m not worried. There is a biblical precedent for being pissed at God. And I’m pissed. This is unfair. It’s wrong. It sucks. It’s not what was supposed to happen. It’s not what Sarah and I should have to be going through.
When we got home from the hospital on Monday night, I was just so mad. And I still am. And I know that probably won’t go away for awhile. And God knows that I’m mad. And God can take it. God can take my profanity, my anger, my tears and anything else that I might bring to God.
My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me,
so far from the words of my groaning?
My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, but I find no rest.
Heather McCance says
Praise God for anger. Thank God you are able to yell, and scream. I have a friend who wnet to garage sales and bought up all the broken plates, cost her about $2, cleared a place in her basement, put down a bunch of newspapers on the floor, and threw those plates against the wall with all her might while screaming at God, the universe, whoever might listen or overhear.
May you and Sarah scream together, weep together, and love together. You are in my prayers.
Melissa Wallace says
Adam, I think you have every right to be mad and to yell at God… What happened to you and Sarah is so far beyond just “unfair”. I continue to pray for you and Sarah and for your healing. It takes a lot of courage to be so open and honest about what happened and I think that will be part of what helps you heal. God bless Adam…
Beloved Spear says
Roar it out. With pain this big, you can’t bottle it up in decent and orderly ways.
And remember to ride carefully, Adam. When you’ve experienced the sort of wrenching, horrible loss that you’ve gone through, it can have a negative impact on your focus and situational awareness.
Sharmyn Crawford says
Adam, relationships are about communication. Job discovered this. Anyone with a marriage that failed because they quit talking to each other knows this. Transparency. Trust God with the real you and you won’t go wrong.
We love you much.
Dick & Sharmyn
Jeremiah says
Adam, when a tragic loss happened in Dani’s family I found myself incredibly angry and yelling at God in words that were “unchristian”. God responded with compassion. That same night hours after my obscenity laden diatribe I got a call from Kei in Hawaii. He said, “I was praying and the Holy Spirit told me you were hurting. What’s going on?” God desires more than just our praises, He wants our hurts and pains, and anger as well. You and Sarah are in my thoughts and prayers constantly. God’s blessings upon you both.
Steve Lindsley says
Thank you Adam. Keep yelling.
Gus says
I don’t know your pain Adam, but I do know mine. You have brought me to tears as I remember our miscarriages and the kind of suffering, silence, solitude and even solace that comes and goes.
Kristina Martin says
I am so incredible sorry for your loss. Yes, you have every right to be Angry at God, and I am so glad you have friends and others that see your right and are uplifting you! I will pray for you and your wife, and again I am so sorry for this pain that has just hit you so hard.
Kristina Martin says
Adam,
I just saw your post on my blog that you found from my mother’s post. I posted earlier before I saw your post on my blog, because I had just stumbled upon your blog before realizing my mom had posted here. Anyway, I don’t want to pretend that I know your pain exactly, because every situation is different and every person unique. But, I do know when I lost our baby Lily in April it hurt more tremendously than I could ever imagine. And, tears stream down my face now, as I think about you and Sarah having to face this loss x 2, with the loss of both of your sweet baby boys, Micah and Judah. I will continuously lift you up in prayer. If you ever want to email me to vent or ask any questions, feel free… kristina.martin77@gmail.com
It is great and brave of you to open up now so early, I waited for months, and in a way, was isolating and lonely trying to deal with it that way. I pray that all those around you will lift you up and carry you one step at a time through this journey..
May God’s Peace be with you in these most difficult times,
Kristina Martin
Mad(elyn) in Alabama says
Adam and Sarah~
I only know you guys from your blogs and from buying your BlackMac, Adam, across a mighty long distance.
All I can think of to say without imposing is, “I am so so sorry you both have to go through this experience at all. Isn’t it wonderful you have each other??”
Take care of yourselves.
In His TIme,
~Mad(elyn) In Alabama
Charles Wei says
I’m so sorry Adam. I wish you didn’t have to go through this either. You and Sarah are in my prayers.
Jeffery Eads says
Adam, thanks for your post. My wife and I lost our daughter’s twin sister over 14 yrs ago after a premature birth. While we have been blessed and have two additional children, and have done amazingly well with raising a child with significant disabilities related to her prematurity, I have spent years wanting to flip God the bird. I used to be very active in church and played piano for worship service, but have doubted God and his existence to the point that I just dropped out. I may have an opportunity to begin playing piano for a church again on an interim basis, but have questioned my ability to glorify God through song and hymn when I still want to yell at him. I’m so sorry for you and your wife, but you don’t know how helpful your words have been to me. I’m so glad your faith is strong and you are trying to help others and lift up God even when you’re hurting the most just days after losing Micah and Judah.
Ironically, my wife shared this post with me right after I got home from going to Church yesterday – the first time I have gone because I wanted to in over 13 years. My prayers are with you and your wife. I’m still dazed, but drop me a line at jeffery.eads@gmail.com if you ever need to chat. Peace, Jeff
Gracy says
Has anyone cussed in prayer to god… Ever wanted to pin God against a wall and yell and point at him?
Has anyone been angry and frustrated at God?
Melissa says
I am grateful for your post. I didn’t know I was so angry at God. I did the same. Just awful language etc. The loss. Of my mom and six months later my oldest sister. Passed. Then more. Deaths. Occurred. In my family just a few months. Apart. I will 51 next month. Thank you for sharing. I did repent. Even though I. Know. God knew what I was going to do before I did it ! He also is aware of. My grief. And pain. God Bless you.