I’m not really sure how to blog about something as tragic as Sarah and I have experienced in the past few days – yet, I feel the need to begin to share our experience. Perhaps it’s part of my grieving process. Perhaps it’s so that I can hear from others who may have gone through something similar. I don’t know – but below is one of the hardest things I have ever experienced.
On Sunday, October 24, at around 1:15pm, Sarah’s bag of water broke, although we didn’t know it at the time. We weren’t really sure what had happened, so we went to Labor & Delivery in Walnut Creek. After a few different tests, the doctor pulled a stool over and sat down next to the bed. It was at that moment, that I knew that we were in for some bad news. There was something about the way the doctor sat down on the stool, and began to share with us the news…
We really didn’t have any options – we had to end the pregnancy. We were at 19 weeks and 3 days.
The Delivery
We were given our own room in Labor & Delivery and we waited as Sarah was given misoprostol to induce an early labor. The night was spent trying to get some sleep, in preparation for doing something we never thought we’d ever have to do in the morning. Sarah was given some pain meds to help with the increased cramping, but around 6am, it got too painful, and she got an epidural.
It was only a few minutes after the epidural was in, that Sarah’s cramping became worse and the delivery began. It happened very quickly, much quicker than we had anticipated, and on Monday morning, October 25, at 6:49am Micah Walker Cleaveland (10 ounces) was born and at 6:54am Judah Walker Cleaveland (8 ounces) was born.
What was perhaps most shocking about the birth experience was that they were both born alive and breathing…they had heartbeats and were quickly wrapped in blankets and given to us to hold. Because of where I was standing when they were born, I could see them when they first came out. Micah, who seemed significantly bigger than Judah, was kicking and I could see his tiny little arms moving around.
Time with our Sons
We spent about 3 hours with them that morning. Sarah and I took turns holding them individually and together. Shortly after their birth, one of the pastors from our church came by and spent time with us. Sarah decided that since they were alive for about a full 1-1.5 hrs while they were with us, that we should baptize them. Our pastor was there at that time, and so we baptized them and prayed for them.
Right now I can’t describe what it was like to hold them – to know that I was holding my sons in my arms…I was a dad. I am a dad. And that is a crazy thing to think about.
At around 10am, we decided we were ready – as ready as we would ever be – to say goodbye to Micah and Judah. And so the nurse came and took them. After that, it was a waiting game for the placenta. In many situations like ours, the placenta can’t be delivered naturally, and so they may have to do a dilation and curettage (D&C) to remove the placenta. At around noon, Sarah went in for the procedure, but the doctor was hoping to be able to remove all of the placenta out by hand, instead of doing the D&C. Right before the procedure, another pastor friend stopped by and Sarah encouraged him to take me out of the hospital to find lunch.
So we left while she had her procedure, and got back in time to find her in the recovery room, doing well. The procedure was successful – and the doctor was able to do it all by hand. They wanted to monitor her vitals for another 6 hours, and so it wasn’t really until 6pm that they gave her the “okay” to go home, and we weren’t out of the hospital until close to 8pm.
I am amazed and so grateful for the amazing doctors at Kaiser Walnut Creek and for the even more amazing nurses. We had nurses who took such good care of Sarah, and not only cared for her physical needs but her emotional needs as well. We will be meeting with a perinatologist in 4-6 weeks to discuss the pregnancy and to look toward our future. We decided to have autopsies done, and they were going to send the placenta to pathology as well, so maybe we’ll have some answers.
Or maybe, as the first doctor we saw said, it was just, horrible, horrible, really bad luck.
Which sounds so unfulfilling, so unfair and so unsatisfactory, but may be the only answer we will receive.
The Road Ahead
Even as I type this post, it still feels unreal. The whole time at the hospital feels like it never really happened. Yet, each day, we are reminded that we have suffered a huge loss. Every time we receive another flower delivery, or another comment left on my Facebook Wall, or another meal delivered to us from wonderful people at our church, I am reminded that we are grieving.
I don’t know what the future holds. I can’t even look past the next few days – it’s too hard. But I do know that we are surrounded by an amazing community (both online, from folks in our church, close friends, friends I haven’t heard from in a long time, etc.) who is praying for us and loving us and eager to find ways to support us. And that means more than you could ever imagine.
Brian says
Carol and I have been keep you both in our prayers. I know it was difficult to share your experience. Please take care of yourself and your wonderful wife.
Aaron says
I hope writing it out helps you and Sarah move through the grieving process in your own way. Thoughts and prayers with the both of you.
Michael Gyura says
Adam and Sarah, our hearts and prayers go out to you.
Gail Doering says
Just wanted you to know that when I shared the news with Shannon, she said, “oh mom, that’s so sad. We need to have them both over for dinner in a few weeks when they’re ready.”
Will McGarvey says
I am so sorry. Thank you for living out loud, and sharing your process, joy and grief with us. Peace and Presence.
Adam Critchlow says
Adam and Sarah,
what a heart wrenching loss. I wish I could write something to ease your pain, but don’t know if that’s possible. you have been, are now, and will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
Adam Critchlow
Eric says
I know I have only been following you for a few weeks now, but I am truly very sorry for your loss. I am so glad that you were able to hold your sons while you could. I know you’ve heard it all and you will for a long time, but know that they are being taken care of now better than anyone here could have. They will be waiting for you and I can only imagine how your hearts will long for them. Please know that my family in San Antonio will be praying for you and your wife.
Jenny McDowell Eccles says
I am so sorry for your loss, this must be overwhelming.
Thank you for sharing. We love you both.
Jan Edmiston says
No words on my end.
Yours are perfect.
Mary says
May the God of grace, love and peace wrap his arms around you!
Bethany says
I still can’t imagine…
Thank you for sharing your lives so openly. You continue to be surrounded in prayer and love.
Allen Ewing-Merrill says
Peace, peace… May you be filled with the deep and abiding peace of God. I’m praying for you and Sarah…
Melissa Martin says
Hi Adam, I stumbled across you on Twitter somehow yesterday and added you – I was so saddened to see the tweet about “woke up feeling normal then remembered Monday…” I am so sorry for your family’s loss and am praying for you and your wife. One of my very best friends went through a similar experience in May, her first child, a baby girl, was born early and died less than 30 minutes after her birth. The baby’s father, an ordained pastor, performed little Reagan’s funeral. My friend has written several blogs about the experience, that may be of some comfort to your wife (and you) so I wanted to share it with you: http://reagan-hopeandlove.blogspot.com/
May you both feel the loving presence of God as you move through this, and rest in the assurance that Micah and Judah are in the powerful arms of Jesus, and you will see them again some miraculous day. Blessings…
Dorcie Lewis says
My heart is broken for you both. God please give Adam and Sarah peace. Lord keep These two little boys cradled in your loving arms.
Timothy says
I can’t imagine your pain and loss but reading your blog/story brought tears to my eyes. I serve as a chaplain at a medical center and these are the most difficult cases to face – the loss of a newborn. I want to share wisdom that was given to my from my menter: “What God gives, God also receives.” Your family is my prayers as you continue to grieve and heal. May blessings and peace come upon you today and always.
Brian McLaren says
Adam and Sarah – I am among many sharing your grief today, praying for strength and comfort to surround you and fill you.
Dale says
Adam and Sarah;
Thank you for writing about your experience. I hope it helps with you unimaginable grief.
You all have been in my thoughts and prayers all week and will continue to be.
Laura M Cheifetz says
I don’t really know you two beyond this medium of social media, but hearing of the birth and loss of your sons fills me with grief. Know that there are many praying with you in this time. My heart goes out to you…
Dan W. Boles says
My heart is still in pieces. Know that you have friends in Cherokee Presbytery, and all over Georgia, praying for you and Sarah, and your future. I’m in this instance thinking of Psalm 102 – hoping it might be a prayer, a cry, a shout to the Lord for you and for Sarah.
Kim Hinrichs says
Adam, thank you for sharing your story. I admire your courage and authenticity in being able to write about it and to share it. As a pastor you know the power of stories. I look forward to seeing how this story continues to weave in yours and Sarah’s lives, coming around no doubt to hope and new life.
Lots of love.
katie says
Adam, you and Sarah have been in my thoughts all week long. I’ve only met you once, but watching your pregnancy through your blog, I heard your excitement and joy, and I felt all of the wondrous emotions that you discover when you realize that suddenly life “is.” Reading today’s post, I heard and felt just as many emotions when you discover that suddenly what was alive is not. I am so moved that you got to hold your babies, tiny as they were, and that they were alive. I know you will always treasure that as the best part of the worst day of your life. I hear your hurt, your pain, but also your absolute amazement that you held two beautiful sons who were yours and Sarah’s — two little gifts of God, even if just for 19 weeks and 3 days. And I hear your grief. Thank you for your openness.
also, you mentioned that maybe you were hoping to connect with others who had been through something like this before. Here’s a blog from a childhood friend of mine who went through something similar. Peace. http://www.larynandjanel.com/blog/69-general/310-reflections-on-the-life-and-death-of-caritas-anne-our-daughter
And here is a quote they recently shared on the anniversary of her death.
By Madeline L’Engle
“The earth will never be the same again,
Rock, water, tree, iron share this grief
As distant stars participate in pain.
A candle snuffed, a falling star or leaf,
A dolphin death, O this particular loss
Is heaven-mourned; for if no angel cried,
If this small one was tossed away as dross,
The very galaxies then would have lied.
How shall we sing our love’s song now
In this strange land where all are born to die?
Each tree and leaf and star show how
The universe is part of this one cry,
That every life is noted and is cherished
And nothing loved is ever lost or perished.”
Karen says
No words…just prayers, deep love and long distance hugs to you both.
Idaho Dad says
No words can tell you how sad I am for you. I remember having those fears during my wife’s first pregnancy – that something might go wrong. All I can say is here’s one more person thinking of you and your wife at this time. Micah and Judah will live on in your hearts.
RookieMom Whitney says
Adam, I am so sorry for your loss. I have been thinking of you and your wife.