While we were up in Murphys this past weekend, I got a chance to do some re-reading of books I’ve read in the past, but obviously have much more meaning to me now. The first one I read was Nicholas Wolterstorff’s “Lament for a Son.” This was a book I read in seminary, in which Wolterstorff recalls his emotions and thoughts after the tragic death of his son in a climbing accident. There were quite a few passages that I found meaningful, but one line in particular struck me as I was reading through the book. Wolterstorff wrote,
“I didn’t know how much I loved him until he was gone.”
When Sarah and I found out we were pregnant, we were in Hawaii, and it was kind of a shock. Not a surprise, like we didn’t know what we were doing, but more like, “Wow. That was fast.” And it’s not like we didn’t have any conversations about it – we had talked about it, decided we were ready for kids and it was time to start trying. But honestly…I’m not sure if I ever really thought I was ready for kids.
Now, I know no one is ever really ready for kids, but the whole idea that we were really going to be having kids, and TWINS, was something that I don’t really think I was ready for. I kind of wanted to change the topic sometimes when people started joking with me about how hard life was going to be, and I couldn’t really picture myself as a dad. I think I wanted kids once we found out, but…I’m not sure.
But as I was holding Micah and Judah last Monday, as I was talking to them as their daddy, as I was cradling them in my arms, I realized I was ready. And like Wolterstorff, I didn’t know much I wanted them, until they were gone. After the nurse came in and took Micah and Judah away at 10am, all I wanted was for them to come back. All I wanted was for all of this to go away, and for Micah and Judah to be born next year and to be able to care for them and love them.
I am a dad, even if it felt like it was for a relatively short time. But now I know I’m ready. And I’m not sure that I knew that before.
Makeesha says
A friend of mine lost both of her kids – one at birth, the second at 4 years of age – both due to genetic problems. She talks about what it means to live as a mom without children. I hold you in my heart as you learn what that means for you and look forward to the day when you can also be a dad with a child in your arms that you get to watch grow up.
Tim says
Makeesha, I was moved by what you said about your friend – unimaginable. I know it’s cliche to say that I’ll pray for her but today I will. May she (and her loved ones) continue to experience the grace and comfort of our loving God.
Sharmyn Crawford says
Nice. Try again when the time is right. Dad.
Tim says
Adam, I continue to be so moved by how you are expressing yourself through the pain. I know you have been reading similar stories and I imagine hearing even more, but your story reminds me of dear friends of ours who went through a very similar grief in the loss of their twins. They have three girls now and when they were offering their comfort with us, I remember worrying about hoping again.
We were a couple that went through years of infertility treatments and we felt so ready for kids. Oddly, my wife got pregnant after we gave up on the treatments, we were so excited, but crashed so hard after an early miscarriage. Two years later we would go through a painful failed adoption. I remember feeling cursed in a sense and praying that I could not love or believe in God anymore than I did but this pain had become unbearable as it consumed most of our twenties. It was such a dark season.
Though things are better these days, we have adopted successfully and last year had a baby but in honesty, my heart is still broken to all of that. I do think it has allowed me to enjoy this joyful season even more and I truly pray that your experience will become even more beautiful.
We’ll continue to pray for you. I know these days are hard but may the grace of our Lord be with you and Sarah.
Jill says
It never ceases to amaze what our experiences teach us about ourselves. Thank you once again for sharing your inner self with us.